The Battle
Graphite Self Portrait (circa 2000)
The Battle is real. The word Battle needs to be capitalized. I can go for weeks, even months, busily producing art, enjoying the process, at peace with what I’m doing artistically. Then out of nowhere, the three-pronged pitchfork of self-doubt, confusion, and disillusionment comes stabbing hungrily at me.
Each and every painting I create involves a period of struggle. I routinely force myself to press through a challenging element of the piece, or through the stage where nothing seems to be coming together. In those moments, the temptation to give up is powerful. And on a larger scale, the theme repeats. It is a cycle and it’s happened enough that I can see and feel it coming and identify it immediately. Strangely, that knowledge doesn’t seem to dull the power of those dark moments, or provide a quicker escape route.
For years, my desire has been to make a living producing art. This is not an easy, or perhaps wise choice. Bills need to be paid, and to do that, income is required. With art for me (being alive and not famous), it’s usually feast or famine, rather than a steady and predictable cash flow. Being an entrepreneur there are no conveniences like health or dental benefits, paid vacations, sick days, or staff Christmas parties. All is well in those times of plenty, but in the lean seasons, the question persists: “Should I get a real job”? That nagging quandary founded in self-doubt and realism (bills do need to be paid!) is like a portal to a cave of relentless questions and sub questions.
What am I qualified to do?
How can I compete with _______________ (name a thing!)?
What do I have to offer?
If I take “x” job, will I be happy? (Bills are paid, but is my soul going to wither away?)
How will I have time to produce art if I’m doing a regular full time job?
Am I selling out by putting my passions on a shelf?
Is there even value in art?
What am I doing?
How do I promote myself?
Wouldn’t it be easier to depend on a boss?
Should I put a pause on painting – just for a couple years – till I’m more financially stable?
Is it vain and foolish to try to pursue something as frivolous (and life-giving) as ones’ passions?
Therefore, when a painting (or season thereof) is going poorly, the urge to give up is strong. I’ve tried soul-sucking jobs. I’ve tried mindless jobs. I’ve tried “creative” jobs. Some have been shorter lived than others; some have gone on for years. Each time it’s a fine balance between being responsible and fostering/valuing my creativity. Does it have to be either/or (either Responsible OR Valuing Creativity), or can it be both/and (Responsible as well as fostering creativity)?
At the moment, I’ve landed in a good spot of enjoyable part time work that affords me time to create, as well as helping cover bills, so I consider myself very fortunate. In addition, I am supported (literally, and in every other sense) by an incredible husband, so I don’t have to pay all the bills alone. There’s no way I could. In this I am aware that I am remarkably blessed. Not every artist has the glorious luxury of a true and steady support system (be it partner, family, community, or otherwise).
I don’t think the Battle will ever go away. It may not always feel like I’m in the midst of aggressive mental/emotional warfare, but the Battle is a perennial visitor who just keeps coming back – unbidden. I suspect that most people experience this Battle for purpose, direction, and confirmation that they are making good choices. I am not alone. Though I don’t have “3 Handy Tips To Get Out Of A Funk”, I believe quite firmly that “Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight” (Bruce Cockburn). So, I fight on, knowing that others are fighting too, in their own parallel conflicts.
“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don’t give up.”
- Anne Lamott
