Do you have an area of life that makes you feel nervous or anxious? If so, do you avoid that area like the plague, or do you have a method that helps you to confront it?

I’m wired to be a bit of a perfectionist and, until recent years, I really disliked revealing my art before it was completed and polished. Showcasing the inevitable “messy middle” stages was to be avoided; however, I’ve learned that many enjoy seeing the process of my art from start to finish. Therefore, I’ve been gradually posting more and more incomplete-stage paintings online, and slowly becoming more comfortable doing so. Posting a static image, or even a video online is very different though, from actually painting in front of a live audience. And that, my friends, is something that makes me very nervous.

When approached to do a live painting for a Camp Cherith fundraising dinner, I agreed with some reticence, and some caveats:

“It won’t be like my usual work because I’m too slow”;
“I might have to start it at home or finish it at home” because I’m very slow;
“It might be really boring to watch because I’m slow”

Notice a theme? So painting in front of over a hundred people had me very nervous. It feels vulnerable having eyes scrutinizing as I develop a painting, possibly wondering why I’m doing something or thinking a brushstroke may have wrecked the painting. Before starting, I did lots of deep breathing to try to calm my nerves, and I organized all my supplies, and prepared back ups of materials just in case. But then it was “go time”, and I had to act.

In the course of the evening, I discovered an absolute tranquilizer to my soul. It was a fantastic woman who I know, not super well, but to a reasonable friendly degree, who took the time out of the dinner/event to come chat with me, encourage me, just be there and supportive. Knowing someone was in that crowd who was cheering for me and cared that I was nervous was incredibly soothing. I’m sure she had no idea how much her natural friendly gestures eased my nerves.

Here I was lost in the work at hand, listening to the speaker like an audiobook in my studio.

Once I did get into the work, focused only on the canvas, oblivious to strangers watching, it became easier. In reality, I’m sure the attention was not on me as much as I imagined, as there were speakers, delicious food to eat, and talkative table companions on whom to concentrate. Furthermore, I tried to adjust my standards by choosing a simple image that I could conceivably complete during the approximately 3 hour-long event.

Eventually the moment of truth came when it was time for the live auction. At this point I had all the main background elements captured on canvas, but the main features, though simple, were still absent. Attendees were invited to come look at the piece up close, and view my reference photo to know what was “still to come” during a break before the auction. Bidding time arrived, and I sat down wishing I could be invisible. Funny the thoughts that came to mind then. I wanted to disappear so people wouldn’t pity me and place meager bids out of sympathy. This mindset reveals things that I dislike about my self-confidence levels. At the same time, I wanted the painting to fetch a great price so the fundraising organizers would feel validated and pleased at having invited me to participate. And yet, worse than “pity bids” would be no bids. That would be both demoralizing and humiliating – not to mention awkward for many people. Consequently, I felt great relief as the bids began. There was some fun ‘banter’ back and forth between bidders, some surprise bids that dropped in out of nowhere, and I am very grateful to say the winning bid was $625.

Enjoying feeling like less a "focal point” during the presentations.

Though my nervousness was not by any means a paralyzing fear/phobia, it was still an uncomfortable thing I had to push past in order to fulfill my commitment. Uncomfortable, stretching experiences help us grow, learn, and maybe become braver. I’m thankful a friendly crowd surrounded me. I am still more thankful for those, especially my one particular pink-scarfed supporter, who repeatedly materialized to affirm, encourage and spur me on. It reminded me that I should never underestimate the power of a kind word or gesture offered to another. We may not know what kind of a day, or “season” that person is experiencing, and a bit of genuine care can help soothe their nerves, or lift their burden even for a brief moment of respite. This reminds me of a saying: “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” (Galatians 6:9)

That then is the happy conclusion to my evening of nervousness. I’ll continue to try to face my fears, meet my commitments and make every effort to be a kind presence to others. It is a guarantee that I won’t always have brilliant successes in these determinations, but being aware and intentional about them will help me to take them seriously when the moments arise.

My Night of Nervousness

To Follow my Heart or the Crowd?

“Lady Driven”: How our perspective on our possessions relates to other areas of life.